The Illusion of Control

"we have to face the pain we have been running from. in fact, we need to learn to rest in it and let its searing power transform us."

-charlotte joko beck

You know that saying/idea that circumstances or events will keep presenting themselves to you until you have learned the lesson that is meant for you? Well, I can now say with certainty that I fully believe this concept to be true.

For me, right now, that lesson is surrender and trust. Trust that my world will not collapse around me if I am not in control. That any control I perceive to have outside of myself is an illusion; an illusion that I use to try to protect myself and my loved ones. In trying to create a shield, I enviably build walls. When those walls get high enough, divine will usually steps in and sets them on fire.

Wouldn't you know, I even usually try to control the fires. I often rush to put the fires out so fast, that I don't even give them time to show me their full potential. The fire that builds from pain, suffering, and/or sorrow is transformational. It has the capability of destruction, but with the promise of germinating new life. The need to control what feelings I feel, and when, how vulnerable I allow myself to be, how my life is organized, the timing of it all... it stifles the flames.

Surrendering to the fire, welcoming it in -- its freaking scary. It's challenging in so many ways. However, when you take the drama out, the story created in your head, and just sit in the fire, you come to realize that it's not there to burn you at all. Your experiences transform you, shape you. If you put the fires out too quickly, you may miss out on some experiences, some lessons. Because ultimately you get to decide what lessons you learn.... just some food for thought. 

I would like to just say thank you to everyone who reached out to me over the past several weeks. A quick update on my injury - I ended up doing quite the number on my knees. I tore 3 ligaments in my left knee, and 1 in my right. I had surgery at the beginning of May; it went well as far as we can tell. I am currently doing physical therapy and on the mend! (happy dance) It took me a couple of weeks of denial before I accepted that I wouldn't be back to teaching within a few short weeks after surgery (ahem, control), but I do have that in my sights once again! I sure hope to see you all on the mat sooner than later. 

Much love,

Nicole